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Couples Counseling: Navigating Big Decisions Together
Long-term relationships are filled with many decisions, big and small. At times, you and your partner might struggle to come to a decision that both are happy with. Sometimes one person “wins” and the other “loses,” and other times a good compromise is possible.
Many couples find themselves at a loss when faced with important decisions that they don’t agree on. Often, couples come to counseling saying they don’t have the right communication tools to help them solve this problem. Other times, they might complain that their partner doesn’t understand them and their point of view.
Why do we disagree?
Disagreeing on major decisions is common in any relationship, and although it is difficult to navigate, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will suffer for it. Disagreement is part of being in a relationship with another person who sees the world differently than you do. The trick is to learn how to communicate about these differences, acknowledge your partner’s perspective with empathy (even if you disagree with it), and work together to find a solution rather than fighting against each other to win.
One of the key reasons making big decisions as a couple can be difficult is because each partner brings their own unique perspective of the world, the decision, and its consequences into the mix. Before you and your partner were together, you each made decisions on your own, accounting for your own hopes, desires, goals, fears, and perspectives on the outcome. Now, you have to find a way to combine these two sets of different beliefs, which may not always fit together so nicely.
Sharing decision-making power:
At times, decision-making can be difficult if one partner is used to “getting their way” while the other feels they have to concede to their request. Perhaps one partner believes they are always right. Maybe one enjoys letting their significant other make most of the decisions and just rolling with the punches. It is important to recognize how the “decision-making power” is shared in a relationship - is it 50/50 or more like 80/20? Does this balance alter and shift depending on the circumstances? How does each partner adapt to this shift and can they be flexible?
Although every decision will rarely be 50/50 - simply because each partner may not care as strongly about every decision - it is important to acknowledge how you feel about the current power balance and where to go from there. Learning to listen attentively to your partner’s desires and perspective can help bring balance to the decision-making process and ensure each person feels like they have power in the process. If one person struggles to release power and wants total control of the decisions, you may find yourself inhibited from moving forward in a constructive way.
When you find yourselves facing a big decision that you just can’t agree on, couples counseling might be helpful to:
- Discuss the topic with a third-party present.
- Receive help from a therapist to hear each side of the story.
- Practice communicating your thoughts, feelings, and desires clearly.
- Learn how to understand your partner’s stance in a more meaningful way.
- Find where you can ask more questions out of curiosity and desire to understand.
- Navigate how to find a compromise when you feel stuck
- Learn to communicate around disappointment and find a repair.
Big decisions and disagreements can be stressful and exhausting to navigate, but learning how to communicate effectively and listen attentively can greatly improve the power balance, problem-solving, and mutual understanding in the relationship. It can also greatly improve how each partner feels known and secure in their relationship, knowing their significant other wants to hear their perspective and will treat them with respect. Couples counseling can provide the setting to learn and implement these practices to restore trust, intimacy, and a clear path forward.
